just isn't the same

I've mentioned this before, and I'm going to mention it again... that I, miss my mama so badly..
Ramadhan is here and Raya is just around the corner and without her, things doesn't feel right.. Eversince she passed away 10 years ago, Raya has never been the same. Not because of my maturing age.. it's just that with her present, at least I can salam her on that very special day.. hug her and kiss her.. Oh I long my mother's touch.. If only people knew.. I feel very sad for those who disrespect their mother and lie to them for instance, they say they're going somewhere but instead, they are heading elsewhere. They do wrong things behind their back.. they scold or curse at their mother.. I would sell my soul just to see her for one more time..
Having a stepmother isn't the same.. her love is different. She has her own child (my little brother) to love and care. I don't long for love from anyone else besides her.
This Ramadhan I'm trying my best not to miss the tarawikh prayers.. it is said that sembahyang berjemaah is better than praying alone. I no longer want to miss a single prayer.. I want to recite the Quran everyday.. I no longer want to do bad deeds.. even little ones.. InshaAllah.. I want to pray for my mother to be in heaven everyday.. That is the least that I can do to say I love you..
If only I had the ability to make everyone realize that they need to change before its too late.. That the world can end on any Friday.. maybe this Friday.. or next? No human knows.. Only God knows..
When someone you love is taken a way from you.. then you realize how precious the person is in your life.. then you realize how you wish you could turn back the time and say "I'm sorry for everything I have done to you.. I love you so much." But, I was only 12 at the time.. immature little rascal.. Of course, I always cling onto mama wherever I go.. I would go out with her and help her with things.. Let's just say that I was mama's little girl. Mama was a very loving, active and supporting mum.. She would enroll my siblings and I in various extra curricular activities. You name it.. I've tried taekwando, ballet, piano, gamelan, traditional dance, singing, acting, swimming... She would send us to the places and wait for us.. My family were not as fortunate compared to now.. in financial wise. Our satisfactions were filled with her love. We use to go to various places by bus, tram (HK), and taxi.. or sometimes we would walk.. For instance, we would walk from section 8 to the gymnastic gymnasium at section 6 while others would go by car.. The distance may not be very far but it is far enough to say that a lot of energy has been used. Mama would save up her money to buy things that we wanted.. we hardly get things on the very spot. Presents are always given during birthdays or when we get good grades. That's probably why I was always in top ten in the class during primary school. If you ask me about high school, to tell you the truth, I've never gotten more than one A in class. Yes never. The only A is from English. Period. My malay subject would be around B or C.. don't ask about history..
Just to make it clear, I wasn't as hard working as I was during primary school as mama would always support me with my studies. She would help me out when I'm stuck.. she would bring me to tuitions.. So when we moved back to Malaysia form HK because of mama's tragic death in 1998, I just couldn't study like I used to. I quit most of my activities. Gymnastic was still my fave until form 3 and later I felt it was never the same.. mama would watch me train everyday.. when I forgot to point my toe, she would go "Elena, point your toe." or "Elena, chin up." Mama was perfect... just perfect.. I never realized that.. I would say things in my heart when she scolds me.. but that was because I was very young.. I was so immature. I wish I could think and feel the way I am now back in those years..
Hmm...
God loves her more than I do..